


Deprived

by juliemcc



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-07-15
Packaged: 2018-07-13 22:03:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7139267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juliemcc/pseuds/juliemcc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's when you are deprived of something that you can truly see what you're craving. They both had a rough past, but it led them to one another.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Celebrating my two months anniversary in this hell hole today, yeah me!_ Ashlyn thought when she woke up. She fixed the beige ceiling while lying on her bed.

 

It had in fact been two months since she had got in Florida’s _Porter Rehabilitation Center_. She didn’t turn herself in voluntarily, but when her grandma told her that it was time because she couldn’t see another one of her grandchildren go down that rode, Ashlyn listened. Chris’ death had been hard on the entire family and she couldn’t put her grandma through that again. If there was one thing that she cared more about than alcohol it was her grandma. So she did it. Not for herself, but for her nanny sake.

 

She was twenty-four when she got in and not that it was anything near perfect, but she did have a life that she had to abandon to come here. When her brother died two years ago, she felt the need to take on his surf shop and keep it alive and well. Apart from that, parties, surf and alcohol would consume all of her free time. Apart from nanny, she had nobody to care for or that would care for her for that matter. Not that it mattered to her, that’s just how it always was and she got use to it.

 

Her first two weeks here were anything but easy. She was completely deprived of any alcohol and she had lost her freedom, one of the only good things she had in her life. She wasn’t participating to individual or group activities and discussions. She had no desire to get to know the others that were in this place. Some had a similar past as Ashlyn had, others were in for drugs, depression, abandon or abuse. The only reason she knew that was because of the group discussions that she was forced to be a part of.

 

After a while though, she warmed up to a few of the girls that were in. She had time to do in here, might as well try to be civil. She started to be a little more participative in different activities, still without being too opened about herself. She didn’t really wanted to make friends with these girls, she just wanted people to eat with and stuff.

 

To this day, she had two main “friends”, Sydney and Abby. Syd was in for doing drugs, and she wanted to get better for her newborn. Abby was in because her girlfriend had threaten her to leave her if she didn’t quit alcohol as well. Both had been in a while longer than Ashlyn. The two girls had helped Ashlyn with the hard times when she first got in. Plus, they didn’t call her out when she had a small relapse a few weeks ago, which was good in Ashlyn’s book. They always sat together at lunch.

 

“Wake up Harris!” She heard Syd say from the doorway. Half a second later she received a towel in her face.

 

“Asshole.” She murmured. She didn’t want to get up but she knew that if she didn’t, all the hot water would be gone and she would have to take a cold shower.

 

She got up, gathered her clothes and made her way over to the showers. She got in line behind Syd and rested her forehead on the girl's back sleepily.

 

“Why do we have to get up so early?” She pouted.

 

“Stop crying about it you big baby.” She answered while two stalls opened up.

 

The two girls got in and continued their conversation.

 

“I heard we have a special meeting today.” Syd said.

 

“What about?” Ashlyn asked while rinsing the shampoo off her hair.

 

“Don’t know, thought you might’ve heard something.” She said.

 

“As long as it doesn’t prevent me from having breakfast, I don’t care.”

 

Syd laughed. “You and your stupid bacon.”

 

The rest went down in silence. They got out and made their way to the dining area. Even if they were only 23 girls in the institution, the lunches were always loud, everybody being at the same place at the same time. Little groups were formed and everybody was eating at their “respective” tables.

 

“Ladies, ladies, lower down for just a sec, we have an announcement to make.” Jill, the official leader, said. She was with Steph, the social worker in charge of the meetings. “The breakfast will be cut short and we want you all done and in the conference room in 15, got it?”

 

Some protests were heard, but Jill barely acknowledged it. “See you in 15!” And she left.

 

“What do you guys think that’s about?” Ashlyn asked to both Syd and Abby, who had joined the table.

 

“Anything really. But last time that happened, you happened.” Abby said, pointing at Ashlyn. “So maybe we have a new guess.” She added.

 

“Ah man, I was just starting to get use to this place.” Ashlyn said. “Maybe it’s just a new shower schedule!” She said, optimistic.

 

“Doubt it.” Abby said. “Come on you two, we’re gonna be late.”

 

They got up, Ashlyn shoving the rest of her toast in her mouth. They got in the next room and sat down in the circle of chairs. The other girls started to fill in the room and ten minutes after, all the chairs were filled. All but one.

 

The two women from before made their way in and stood in the middle of the circle.

 

“All right ladies, listen up. I’m sure some of you already guessed why we got you all in here so early, and that’s because we have a new comer to the house. I’m asking you to give a warm welcome to Alexandra Krieger.” Jill said, turning towards the door. All eyes followed.

 

The door opened and a relatively shy brunette made her way in. She went in the middle, next to Jill and just stood there.

 

“Would you look at that, the new girl’s hot.” Syd whispered into Ashlyn’s ear.

 

Ashlyn had a small laugh that she covered with her hand. “She looks like the pretty girl who smoked marijuana and her rich parents sent her here “just in case”.” Ashlyn said.

 

This girl was obviously pretty with her long brown hair and big brown eyes. Ashlyn couldn’t deny that, but she also couldn’t help but think that she was this privileged girl that had a slight mishap in her perfect life and would be out in no time.

 

“Hum hi, I’m Ali.” She said in a low voice.

 

The group all said hi at the same time. Jill turned to the girl.

 

“Now Ali, would you mind telling the girls why you’re here?”

 

“Hum sure… I’m here because of a depression.” She was now fidgeting with her ring.

 

Ali was not at ease with all these pairs of eyes looking at her like that, especially the blonde one who clearly made fun of her, whispering stuff in her friend’s ear. She turned around and sat down in the only empty chair.

 

She didn’t wanted to be here, but she promised Kyle so, that was that. All she wanted was to get out of here before it was too late, so she promised herself to do as she was told, participate and all that crap. She putted on a fake smile and looked around the room.

 

Some girls had scars all over their bodies, others had perfect skin. Some were African-Americans, Asians, American or Latinas. Some had smiles; some had no expressions in their faces. Some were playing with their hands, some were looking down, but only one was looking at her: the blonde from earlier.

 

She had a heavy stare, so much that she could feel her eyes burning right through her. She wasn’t sure what she was observing, but she could tell that she wasn’t happy about having her around. _Who gives anything about what Blondie thinks?_ She promised to herself to be nice to everyone, not to cause any problems, but her resolve was slowly going away, just by looking at the girl. She stared right back.

 

“Why don’t we take a quick round to introduce ourselves to Ali here. Let me start.” Jill looked at Ali. “Hi, I’m Jill and I’m the co-director of Porter Rehabilitation Center with my co-worker here.”

 

Everybody told their names and why they were here. When it came to her, Ashlyn didn’t even realised it, so focused on the brunette in front of her.

 

“Hum Ashlyn, your turn.” Steph said.

 

She immediately looked down. “Hum yeah sorry. I’m Ashlyn and I’m here because of alcohol.” She didn’t elaborate, her face getting slightly pink after being caught staring.

 

“Alright everybody, thank you for this, you can all get to your normal activities!” Jill announced.

 

Ali was getting up when Jill slightly grabbed her arm. “Come with me, I’ll introduce you to the place and get you settled in.”

 

Ali simply nodded. She followed the lady around for about half an hour seeing the kitchen, resting area, the outside yard and such places. They then made their way inside Jill’s office.

 

“Let me just look at my files real quick…” Jill said while going through a stack of paper. “Ah yes, that’s what I thought. Seeing that it is currently the only room with a single occupant, you’re going to be rooming on the second floor with Ashlyn.”

 

Ali didn’t need to be reminded of who Ashlyn was, their previous encounter being so vividly imprinted in her mind. But she didn’t want to create any trouble so she just nodded along.

 

“Come on, let’s get you settled.” Jill said, leaving her office.

 

Ali followed her to the second floor and they stopped in front a half opened door.

 

Jill stepped in. “Ashlyn, can I talk to you for a second?”

 

Ashlyn took her earphones out. “Sure, what’s up?”

 

“You know that empty bed right beside yours? Well it’s not going to be empty anymore. Ali’s gonna be rooming with you, is that okay?” She asked, not really looking for a confirmation, only informing the girl.

 

 _Are you kidding me?!_ Ashlyn had barely been able to make it through this morning’s session in her presence, and now she had to room with her? But she knew she had no say in this. It took her a few seconds to actually give an answer.

 

“Yeah sure. When is she coming in?” She hoped to have a few hours to get ready.

 

“Now, kinda.” Jill stepped aside, letting Ali come to view.

 

_Great, happy anniversary to me!_


	2. Chapter 2

As soon as Ali had made her way in, Ashlyn had made her way out of the room. Ali didn’t mind at all. _The less time I spend with her, the better_. She used the next few hours to place the few items she was allowed to bring with her on her side of the room. She also looked around the room to see what the blonde had on hers. She had very little personal items apart from a notebook, a blanket, the earphones she had when she left the room and a printed picture of a surfer in action pinned to her wall. _So she likes surfing._ And for the blanket, Ali never thought that the tough and confident blonde could ever need it to go to sleep. _Almost cute_. _Almost._

 

She then sat on her bed, her head in between both of her hands. _What am I doing here? Like I have any time to waste in this place._ Her eyes became misty as her mind went places she knew she couldn’t control. She never felt more alone and abandoned in her entire life. Even though she knew her family back home was nothing but looking out for her, she couldn’t help but think that they abandoned her. _Stupid disease!_

 

She didn’t hear anybody get in until she heard the voice of her roommate.

 

“Hum… diner’s in 10 minutes, just so you know.”

 

Ali tried to quickly recover, whipping her eyes and fixing her hair. “Okay thanks.”

 

Ashlyn left her earphones on her nightstand and got back out. Ali fixed the floor until the girl got out and then looked at the clock. 5:50. _How did time go so fast?_ She had a feeling she wouldn’t say that very often the next few months.

 

She went downstairs, grabbed a tray and went in line. She saw Ashlyn a few people in front and really took the time to look at her. She was tall and very muscular. She had tattoos up and down her right arm, which were all so detailed and well made. She was trying to figure out the different patterns when she saw the girl’s body turn around in her direction. Her gaze went up and she saw the girl looking at her. She quickly looked down and by doing so, missed the slight smile on Ashlyn’s lips. She felt a hand on her shoulder and was happy for the distraction.

 

“Hey, you’re Ali right?” the girl said.

 

“Hum yeah, and you are? Sorry I’m not really good with remembering names.” _Although I have no problem remembering Ashlyn,_ she thought.

 

“I’m Heather, but you can call me HAO.” She smiled.

 

“Nice to meet you.” Ali didn’t know what to say afterwards so she got quiet. Luckily, HAO was a chatterbox.

 

“You’re in here because of a depression huh?” Ali nodded.

 

They both completed their tray with sandwiches, salads and an apple. Ali turned around and didn’t know where to sit. The girl beside her noticed and titled her head, showing her own table. They walked and sat down.

 

“Me too. But I’m getting out soon though! Hopefully I mean.”

 

“Really? Awesome. How long have you been here?” Ali asked.

 

“A year and a half. And if everything goes well, I should be out in a month or so.” HAO answered happily.

 

The woman noticed that Ali was a little shy with all of these other women she didn’t know, so she took the matter in her owns hands.

 

“Let me introduce you to the gals. This is Pinoe, Tobin and Press.” She said while pointing at them one by one.

 

They all said hi and Ali answered shyly. The dinner went smoothly and Ali remained mostly quiet, only answering when she was being talked to. She noticed that Pinoe was the funny one, Tobin the relaxed one and Press the girly one. _Maybe me and her will get along_ , noticing all the similarities between them two. A question disrupted her thoughts.

 

“So you’re rooming with Ashlyn right?” HAO asked.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Have you two talked yet?”

 

“No not really, you know with the move and all, I didn’t really have time.”

 

Ali didn’t want to tell the girls about what she thought of Ashlyn yet, wanting to get a vibe from them first.

 

“What is she like?” she added.

 

“I don’t know, she’s kind of loud and quiet at the same time.” HAO said.

 

“Well that doesn’t help me at all.” Ali said making the girls laugh.

 

“Okay smartass, I mean that she likes to be the center of attention, making jokes and all, but she never really talks about herself. I don’t really know much about her you know? But that may be because I don’t hangout with her, I don’t know.”

 

“I like her.” Tobin said while chewing on her salad.

 

“You like everybody.” HAO said, making them laugh. “I guess I have a weird vibe from her, but maybe that’s just me.”

 

Ali nodded. She took a quick glance at the blonde’s table, where she noticed she sat earlier. She was laughing with the girls she was with. Their gaze met across the room for a brief second before both of them got back into the action at their own table.

 

Two hours later, a while after everybody was done eating, Steph proposed a movie for everyone to watch in the main living room. She asked for suggestions and it came down to either The Notebook or Saw. The girls were all fighting over it, when Steph shushed them all.

 

“Why don’t we let Ali decide?” And all eyes turned towards her.

 

“Hum… I’m not really a horror movie fan, but…” she got interrupted.

 

“The Notebook it is then!” HAO said happily, pulling Ali down on the sofa with her.

 

A few grunts were heard but everybody took a seat on the different sofas and on the floor. Ali took a quick glance at Ashlyn and saw her sitting in a Lazyboy across the room.

 

The movie started and about half an hour in, Ashlyn was already bored. She started to look around the room and saw that a majority of the girls had their eyes glued to the TV. She continued to look around to find a very attentive Ali. _Of course a girl like her would like that kind of movies._ When she inspected closely, she saw that the brunette was mouthing the words once in a while. A smile crept on her lips at cuteness of the girl. She slightly shook her head. _Get yourself together Harris_.

 

An hour later, about mid-movie, Ashlyn was starting to fall asleep so she silently made her way out to go in her room. From across the room, Ali noticed. For a split second, she thought about following her upstairs. _What the hell_. She loved that movie; no way she was going to miss the end, even though she saw it ten times.

 

When the movie ended, the girls all made their way to their rooms. Ali had been dreading this moment for the past 20 minutes, knowing the movie was coming to an end. She got up and walked slowly. Coming closer to the door, she saw that a small light was on. _Damn it_. She had hoped that Ashlyn might’ve been asleep so she could’ve gotten into bed without having to talk to her.

 

She got inside and saw Ashlyn asleep with her notebook open on her chest. She quietly made her way in and grabbed her toothbrush and shirt to go get ready for bed. She came back, and just as she was about to get in bed, the floor cracked, waking Ashlyn up.

 

Ashlyn slightly jumped up, sending her notebook to the floor. She looked over as Ali was frozen beside her bed. She was in a large grey shirt and pink shorts. _Damn those legs_ , Ashlyn thought.

 

“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you.” Ali said while getting under the covers.

 

“Don’t worry about it.” Ashlyn said while picking up her book. “I’m gonna… get ready for bed.”

 

She came back a few minutes later in her tank top and joggings and closed the door.

 

“Do you hum… need the light?” Ashlyn asked.

 

“No I’m good, thanks.” Ali said, giving her a rapid look. The girl’s tank top being tight enough, Ali could once again admire the girl’s tattoos. _Damn those arms_.

 

Ashlyn closed the light and got into bed. Silence took over the room. Both women couldn’t fall asleep, very conscious of their new roommate. Nobody was moving or breathing too loud. They both knew very well what each other was doing and it became awkwardly too quiet.

 

“So hum… how was your first day?” Ashlyn asked.

 

“It was okay I guess.” Ali answered.

 

“That’s good.” Ashlyn didn’t really know what to say, she hated small talk.

 

Ali understood what Ashlyn was trying to do, and tried to help her out.

 

“How’s your first day with a roommate going?” she joked.

 

“I’ll tell you that tomorrow morning.” Ashlyn said, getting a small laugh out of Ali. Ashlyn smiled at the sound, the dark covering it up though.

 

“Don’t worry, I don’t snore.”

 

“Good, but I can’t promise the same.”

 

“Oh god.” Ali said, pulling her second pillow on her head, her face squished between the two pillows she had.

 

It was Ashlyn’s turn to laugh, hearing and guessing what Ali had just done.

 

“Sorry! Goodnight!” She said, still laughing a little bit.

 

“Yeah, I’ll try. Goodnight.” Ali said.

 

Both women fell asleep with a small smile on their lips, happy the day ended better than it started.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning, Ali woke up at 6:30 to go jog in the secluded but relatively large backyard of the institution. On her “special tour” yesterday, she saw a small training room, but nothing could beat the fresh air.

That was Ali’s time to think and regroup when things were getting out of control. She developed that routine way back when she first started to play soccer professionally in high school. In contrary to most, she loved running. In that single moment, her mind would be free while her feet would bring her wherever they chose to. 

So when she got diagnosed with blood cloths in her legs and a brain tumour and had to stop playing soccer at all, it came as more than a choc to her. Not only was she loosing everything she ever worked for, she was loosing her freedom. That’s when it all started. The tears, the mood swings and the scary thoughts. It all came crashing down when the doctors had informed her that ultimately, it was too dangerous to remove the tumour in her brain and therefore, letting it grow, she would eventually die. A few weeks after, she was signing up for the Porter Rehab Center. She didn’t know when her sickness would reach its peek, but right now depression was causing way too much damage for herself and her family. Kyle had made her a promise that if she would get treated, he would do the same for his drug addiction and they both sign up for different institutions nearby. 

She only recently had the clear to start running again and she planned on doing so as often as she could. She ran for 45 minutes and made her way in to go take a shower. As she was getting inside, she passed in front of the small gym and saw through the large windows a very sweaty Ashlyn hard at work, pumping irons. She didn’t take Ashlyn for a morning person, but with that shape, the fact that she trains shouldn’t be news. 

With that image imprinted in her mind, she made her way to the room, took her clothes and went to the showers. At that hour she was all alone except for one stall that was occupied. It wasn’t long before the girls started to arrive and before she realized she had forgotten to bring her clothes. So she got out, wrapping her towel around her body, taking the shampoo and conditioner bottles in her arms, and quickly made her way out, looking down to her feet. She was about to get out the door when she slammed into a tall figure that was coming in at the same time.

She almost slipped on the wet floor, but strong hands grabbed her by the waist, preventing her from falling. She instinctively grabbed the arms to steady herself and then looked up to amazing hazel eyes.

“Sorry, I… I wasn’t looking.” She answered shyly.

“No problem, I wasn’t either. “ Ashlyn answered in a short breath. 

It took them both a few seconds to detach themselves from one another, and when they did, Ali quickly walked away and disappeared behind the corner. 

Ashlyn was still a little bit in choc. That’s a good way to start the day. She then took her shower, making it a cold one, and went down for breakfast. She was the first one of her little crew to arrive so she sat at their normal table, waiting for them. 

She looked at the bottom of the stairs waiting for them to appear, instead seeing Ali. She noticed that she was alone as well when she sat down. She looked at her for a bit, and decided to go up and talk to her. What am I doing? She thought while walking. She stopped in front of Ali’s table.

Ali looked up. “Morning.” She said with a smile.

“Morning.” Ashlyn answered. “Mind if I join you? You know, until the girls get here.”

“Go ahead.” Ali said, pulling her tray back a bit to make the girl some space. “So, conclusions on your first day with a roommate?” 

Ashlyn smiled. “Not too bad. Yours?”

“Same. Well, I almost suffocated in between those two pillows, but at least it blocked the snoring so… same.” She joked.

“Oh come on, it’s not that bad!” 

“To anyone who has ears it is!” 

They both laughed. The funny banter came easily between the two. And they both noticed it.

“So hum… I have my first individual counsel today. At elven.” She didn’t know why she said it, but Ali just wanted to share with someone. And Ashlyn was that someone right now.

“Oh yeah? How do you feel about that?” Ashlyn remembered how she felt at first and it wasn’t pretty.

“Nervous I guess. I just don’t really know what to expect.”

“It’s okay to be nervous. Good even. Shows that you care.” Ashlyn said, understanding what she was going through. 

“Might not seem like it at first, but I promise that’s what it is. Anyway for me it was.” She looked down while saying that last part.

Ali felt how genuine she was being. “How was it like for you? If you don’t mind me asking.” She added, realizing how personal her question was.

“It’s fine. Well, I was terrified. Scared of the judgement I guess. Plus, I’m in here because of alcoholism so the first couple of weeks were hard with the weaning and all. I wasn’t the best to be around. But Linda, my counsellor, she was fine. I made most of my fright in my head.” She said, looking down the whole way through, except for when she mentioned her counsellor.

Ali just realized that she didn’t know why Ashlyn was here until now. She genuinely felt bad for the blonde in front of her.

“And today, how are you dealing with your al… addiction?” she asked; only realizing what she said after, once again. What is wrong with me? 

Ashlyn normally hated people intruding in her private life, but for some reason, she felt at ease with Ali.

“There are good days, and there are bad ones. It used to be all I could think about, so I guess each day that I don’t is a blessing in itself.”

“It really is.” 

They both looked at each other in silence, until Syd happened. 

“Ash! Come on!” 

“Coming!” She turned back to Ali. “Gotta go. If I don’t see you before, good luck for today.” She smiled.

“Thanks.” She smiled back.

The morning went by pretty fast for Ashlyn. Her and Abby went outside to play football a bit, while Syd was watching them, or that’s what she said, painting her nails. She found herself looking at the clock a few times when Ali’s meeting was happening. She decided she was going to go ask her how it went at lunch. So when noon arrived, she quickly went back to put the ball in the barn and jogged inside.

She took a quick look around the room where all the girls were sitting down to eat, but Ali wasn’t anywhere to be found. Maybe it went on longer than expected. But half an hour later, she was still missing. She’s going to miss lunch. She saved her apple and banana and went to their room looking for where she might be. And she was in fact inside, curled up on her bed sobbing.

Ashlyn didn’t really know if she should go or not.

“I was going to ask if everything was okay, but that’s just stupid to ask.”

Ali didn’t move nor tried to calm down her sobs. 

“Get out.”

Ashlyn was not one to insist.

“Okay, I’ll just leave this here.” Ashlyn said while putting the fruits on the end of the bed.

Ali looked in between her fingers to see what she had dropped. She automatically felt bad for yelling at her. Ashlyn was about to get out when Ali spoke.

“Thank you.” She said quietly.

Ashlyn turned around. “No problem. You were going to miss lunch, just thought you might be hungry.”

Normally, when she was out of it, nothing else mattered. Nothing else could get to her but her own emotions. But for some reason, she felt thankful at that small gesture from the blonde. And became overwhelmed with emotions again, making the tears go down faster.

Ashlyn thought she might’ve said something to upset the brunette and felt helpless. She knew she should leave her alone, but Ashlyn had never been good with seeing other people hurt. And especially not the brunette for some reason. 

She didn’t know much about depression, but she knew better than to disrupt a person in the middle of a crisis. So she closed the door and slowly sat on the bed, beside where Ali was sitting, to make her presence near the girl known. 

Ali looked up, and a second later she felt strong arms wrapping around her shoulders. Where normally she would kick and fight back, she simply rested her head on the girl’s chest and allowed herself to cry. 

Ashlyn slowly stroked Ali’s hair and rubbed her back. Without saying a word, because nothing needed or could be said. They sat like that for twenty minutes before the sobs had slowed down. Without thinking, Ashlyn pecked the side of Ali’s head. It just came naturally and both girls let it happen. Minutes later, she felt the sobs stop on her chest and Ali’s breath steadied.

She pulled back, still holding the back of Ali’s head.

“Hi.” She said simply.

“Hey.” Ali answered whipping her eyes and nose.

Ashlyn looked at her a bit before talking. “Want a fruit? I got an apple and a banana.”

Ali smiled, thankful that Ashlyn wasn’t pressing her on talking about what happened.

“I’ll have the apple please.”

Ashlyn gave Ali the fruit and started the peel the banana for herself.

“Hey aren’t those mine?” Ali asked playfully.

“You snooze, you loose princess.” Ashlyn said while eating half the banana in one bite. “Oh my god, it’s so good. You should try it sometime.” She smirked.

“Well I would’ve, but somebody just ate it in the space of a second.”

“What?” Ashlyn said defensively. ”I’m gonna need all the force I can get before I kick your ass in art class.”

“That’s what you think.” Ali said.

They both raced to the art studio, laughing together like the innocence of the moment would allow them to.


	4. Chapter 4

The next few days were fine for Ali. She busied herself with different activities, participating in everything that she could, to show her will to truly get better. Her next counsel was next week and she tried to get her mind off it. She wanted to get out. She needed to get out before it was too late and time ran out. So the days were fine. It was at night that everything became hard. At night, in the dark, alone with her thoughts.

 

_What is happening with you? You’re not my daughter anymore, and I want her back!... Ali stop it!... Promise me you’ll get better. You need to promise me…_ Her family was resonating through her mind. She was still hearing the pleading and crying. But nothing was stronger than the voices in her head telling her she couldn’t do it. That she was alone and the road back to sanity would take longer than she had on this planet.

 

She would fall asleep on a wet pillow, in her cold sheets and dark mind. She would always try to minimize the noise, sobbing quietly, not wanting to wake Ashlyn up.

 

But Ashlyn knew. Every night, about thirty minutes after the lights were closed, the sobbing would start. As much as she tried to ignore it, it would always pain her inside. Knowing that Ali was hurting a few meters away from her, but not being able to do anything about it.

 

And nothing was different that night. It was midnight and Ali had started to cry about ten minutes ago. Ashlyn was getting more and more tormented with it.

 

“If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here.” She whispered.

 

Ali closed her eyes tightly and let a few more tears come down before she spoke.

 

“Sorry, didn’t know you could hear me.”

 

“I’m a good listener.” Ashlyn said, meaning it in more ways than one.

 

She got no answer, still hearing tears sliding on the other girl’s face. She tried something.

 

“Mind if I come over on your side? Just to talk. About whatever you want.” She held her breath.

 

I took Ali everything she had to let her come. To finally let someone in. She stretched and opened the little light on the wall beside her bed. She sat criss-cross.

 

Ashlyn took it as a yes and sat in front of the brunette in the same position. They looked at each other for a minute. Ashlyn then looked down and grabbed one of Ali hand. She looked back up.

 

“Talk to me.”

 

That’s all it took for the gates to open and Ali to tell her story. How she started soccer and it quickly became everything to her. Her relationship with her brother and the promise she made him. When she became sick and finally, when the doctor told her they couldn’t remove the tumour and how it went down in flames from that point on.

 

Ashlyn was astonished. The girl she thought as a privileged kid, was actually one of the strongest woman she had ever met. Her admiration only grew for her.

 

Although Ashlyn was asking questions and seemed genuinely interested, Ali couldn’t help but feel ashamed. That Ashlyn would see her differently, weak. Only did she know that the complete opposite was happening. She had been able to control her tears, her eyes only becoming misty once in a while. When she felt it coming back up, she unconsciously played with Ashlyn’s fingers. It calmed her down.

 

Ashlyn told her story as well afterwards. How she grew up in a poor neighbourhood, the alcohol flowing freely in the family, her mom and brother also addicted. All the partying and drinking she fell in. All the struggles and family crises it led to. The death of her brother and how she took the lead of his surf shop. Her grandma begging her to get better, and her arrival here two months ago.

 

By the end of the conversation, they were both lying beside each other on the headrest, their arms folded, looking at each other. Ali fell asleep on Ashlyn’s shoulder while the blonde was telling her a story about how she started surfing, to get on a lighter subject. Ashlyn looked down when she heard Ali’s breathing even out. She slid them both under the covers slowly, not to wake Ali up and fell asleep.

 

The next morning, Ali woke up first. Her eyes opened up to a beautiful blonde. She had unconsciously leaned her head on Ashlyn’s chest, her arm resting there as well. She also noticed Ashlyn’s arms lying loosely around her waist.

 

She didn’t want to move, so she stayed still, looking closely at Ashlyn’s features. Her strong jaw, her freckles, her lips… She felt Ashlyn stir and shut her eyes closed.

 

When Ashlyn opened hers, she felt a weight on her body. She hadn’t felt that in while and the heat coming from Ali was comforting. She looked down and smiled.

 

“You know that’s not what you look like when you sleep right?” She saw Ali smile and cover her face with her hand.

 

“It’s not? I thought I was a terrific actress.” she laughed.

 

“Horrific would be the word I would use.”

 

Ali gave her a small push. “Asshole.”

 

They were both laughing when Syd entered.

 

“You’re going to miss the showers again…” she didn’t end her sentence, seeing them together. “Sorry, forget I was here.” She said and got out.

 

“Oh god, she won’t let me live this down.” Ashlyn said.

 

Ali became suddenly shy. “She's right, we should get going.”

 

She got up and gathered her clothes. Ashlyn was a bit disappointed that their morning abruptly ended, but followed her.

 

Strangely, the morning went on without the exchanging any words. Not without efforts on Ashlyn’s part, but Ali seemed to ignore her the entire time. Where there would normally be looks at breakfast or teasing whenever they had the chances, Ashlyn was met with nothing but empty stares.

 

At lunch, they pasted each other in the hallway and Ashlyn pulled her in the first room she saw and closed the door.

 

“What’s up with you? We wake up, you’re all smile and then we take shower and you’re avoiding me. Did I miss something?”

 

“No, everything’s fine” Ali answered folding her arms.

 

“Oh don’t give me bullshit Ali, I think we’re passed that.” She said angry.

 

“I’m not giving you any bull, and we’re not passed anything.” She said passing by Ashlyn to open the door. But Ashlyn stopped her.

 

“What is that suppose to mean?” she said trying to get Ali to look at her. “Cause I actually thought we were making progress here. I thought we were getting somewhere…” Ali interrupted her.

 

“That’s the thing, we are not anything! And I don’t want people thinking that we are, okay!” Now they were both angry.

 

“Who cares what they think? And what if there was something, what would it change?”

 

“I care! And I would never be with someone like you okay?” Ali spitted and finally got out of the room.

 

Ashlyn felt like she had been slapped in the face. _Someone like me?_ She opened the door and said for Ali to hear in the hallway.

 

“Yeah because I’m the only fuck up between the both us!” And closed the door back up.

 

She leaned on the counter. What was hurting the most was that Ali, the only person she opened up to, that she trusted and felt understood by, was finally seeing her like the low-life mess that she actually was.

 

She cleaned the tears that had made her way up and went on the hunt for Sydney. She found her outside in the garden and grabbed her by the arm to talk to her.

 

“I’m gonna need the services of your guy tonight.” She said, agitated.

 

“Oh come on Ash, not again! You’re in here to quit alcohol, remember?”

 

“This is the last time, I promise.” She said, crossing her fingers.

 

“I hate this. I’m supposed to help you, not make it worse!” Syd said, pinching her nose.

 

“Trust me, you are. Helping I mean.”

 

Sydney let out a loud breath. “Fine. But it is the last time Harris.” She said, pointing at her.

 

“Thanks, you’re the best.”

 

“Oh and how is it going with that Ali chick? You two seemed pretty cozy this morning…” Ashlyn interrupted her.

 

“Don’t talk to me about her.” And with that, Ashlyn left.


	5. Chapter 5

That night, instead of going directly to her room, Ali went to the training room to blow off some steam.

 

She never really had that issue throughout her younger years, but it’s when she entered college that she started seeing girls differently. The furthest she had ever been with a girl was at a drunken party where she made out with one. But ever since the thought first appeared in her head, in never got out. And she never had to deal with it for real, because she had no one to do that for. Herself not being enough.

 

Now her thoughts were back and she was scared more than ever. Scared of the judgement, of being different. And mostly scared of what Ashlyn made her feel. She never had someone that was enough to make her come out. Not a girl, not even herself. And she wasn’t sure she wanted someone to be.

 

At midnight, she went to the showers. As much as she didn’t want to go back, she knew she needed to sleep. When she got upstairs, she saw that the door was closed. The closer she got, the more she started to hear voices.

 

“Don’t spill. It’s gonna smell!” she recognized Sydney’s whisper.

 

“I’ve got it all under control.” Ashlyn said louder. And slurry.

 

_She’s drunk_. Ali leaned her head on the door and took a breath before opening. When she did, she saw Abby sitting on her bed, and Syd sitting on Ashlyn’s. The blonde was on her bed, her legs stretched, holding a whiskey bottle. The three girls looked at her nervously while she closed the door.

 

“Heyy gorgeous.” Ashlyn slurred. “Oups! I wasn’t supposed to say that right?” Ashlyn laughed and turned to her two friends. “Don’t get the wrong idea, we are NOT a thing.” She ended her sentence falling on her side, Sydney barely being able to grab the bottle before it fell.

 

Abby looked at Ali who had sit beside her on her bed.

 

“Listen, we know we shouldn’t let this happen, but she had a rough day apparently. She doesn’t normally do this.”

 

“I know she had a bad day. It’s not a reason to give whiskey to an alcoholic.” She said in a low voice. “How did she get this?” she asked discouraged.

 

“One of Sydney’s friend.”

 

Ali just stared at Ashlyn, her chin resting on her hands. Ashlyn opened her eyes from her two-second nap. She looked back at Ali.

 

“What? You’re judging me? Wouldn’t be the first time…”

 

“You’ve had enough for tonight, don’t you think?” Ali said with tired eyes.

 

“Who are you to tell me what to do? My girlfriend?” Ashlyn laughed at her own joke, alone. “You, my dear, can’t tell me what to do.”

 

“Ok Ash, let’s go take a shower before bed.” Syd said, trying to lift Ashlyn up. “Abs can you go check if the hallway is clear?”

 

Abby nodded and came back a minute after. “Everything’s good.” She helped Syd lift Ashlyn and the trio went to the showers.

 

Ali covered her face with both hands. She was mad. Mad that Ashlyn would drink again. Mad about what she had said before. But mostly, mad that she was the cause of Ashlyn’s relapse. She was exhausted. About fifteen minutes later, she heard the door open. Sydney entered.

 

“Listen, I know that you’re mad at her. Hell, mad at me for this. But she keeps asking questions about you and asking for you so would you mind coming with me for a second?”

 

Ali hesitated. She wasn’t sure she was the best thing for Ashlyn right now. She wasn’t sure she could handle herself. But she remembered when she was the one in the middle of a crisis and Ashlyn was there.

 

“Fine, whatever.” She said while getting up.

 

She followed Sydney to the last stall and got a peak at what was happening inside. Ashlyn was curled up in the back corner of the small shower, naked, her head resting on the cold wall, her eyes closed. The cold water was still running.

 

Ali looked at the blonde. She had never seen someone so vulnerable, so broken. Her eyes became misty. She looked at Abby.

 

“Shouldn’t we hum… close the water?” She said on the edge of crying.

 

“She’s not actually sleeping. She says the water feels good.”

 

Ali nodded. She looked back at Ashlyn. It was silent for a minute.

 

“Do you want a minute alone?” Syd asked.

 

Ali took second to think and then nodded. The two other girls left, Abby patting Ali’s back. Ali went inside and closed the water. She crouched in front of Ashlyn. The blonde still had her eyes closed and hadn’t spoke. Ali removed a strain of wet hair that was stuck to Ashlyn’s forehead. She cupped Ashlyn’s left cheek and strokes her with her thumb.

 

“Could you turn it back on please?” Ashlyn said in a raspy voice.

 

“Why?” Ali asked, knowing that what she knew wasn’t the only reason.

 

“Cause it feels good. Otherwise I feel dirty.”

 

“This is what you do when you drink right? I mean, not just here but in general. You take a shower?” Ali said calmly without really asking a question.

 

Ashlyn opened her eyes. “Yeah so?”

 

“This is not the solution Ashlyn. This isn’t going to wash everything away! All of your worries and mistakes, those will always stick with you. You come here thinking that you’ll be clean after this, but you’re not going to be!”

 

Ashlyn eyes became red. “Get out.”

 

“No! You need to deal with your problems!” Ali said louder.

 

“The same way you deal with yours Ali? By running away?” Ashlyn almost yelled. Tears were now running down her cheeks.

 

Ali felt actual pain in her chest. She had to remind herself that Ashlyn was drunk, and that no matter how much she wanted to answer back, this can’t escalate. They could be heard.

 

“Lower down if you don’t want to get caught.” She said as calmly as she could. “Listen, if you think I’m going to hand you the whiskey bottle when you need it, you’re wrong. I care too much about you to hand you the knife that’s gonna kill you.” Ali said slightly crying herself.

 

They both looked at each other for what seemed like forever. Ashlyn had never met someone who told her no. No one had ever cared enough tell her this two-letter word that could save her life.

 

Ali got up, opened the shower back up and turned to get out.

 

“Ali wait!” She heard between sobs.

 

“Don’t worry I’m just going to go get the girls.” She said, still going out.

 

“No, stay… Please stay.” Ashlyn cried out.

 

That cry for help tore Ali heart. She took a big breath and turned around.

 

“Only if you turn that water off. If you want me with you, you’re never turning that water back on, got it?” Ali cried.

 

No matter how drunk she was, Ashlyn understood more than well what it meant. Her lips quivered and she nodded.

 

Ali turned the shower off again and sat on the very wet floor beside Ashlyn. Being now all wet herself, she didn’t care. She looked at Ashlyn who was looking back.

 

“No more running away.” The blonde said.

 

“No more running away.” Ali said, making that promise for herself as well.

 

They looked at each other without saying a word. Ali quickly looked down at Ashlyn’s lips. Ashlyn saw it, and slowly leaned in. Just as their lips were about to meet, they heard a small knock on the door.

 

“Guys, it’s getting pretty late, you two should get back.” Abby said on the other side.

 

Ali cursed herself. “Yeah, could you just bring two towels please?”

 

Two towels appeared on top of the door. Ali grabbed Ashlyn by the shoulders and got her up, the girl still being very tipsy. She put one towel on her own shoulders and she wrapped the other around Ashlyn.

 

The two slowly made their way back to the room and when they were in, Ali closed the door. She sat Ashlyn on her bed and grabbed the girl’s PJ. She managed to dress her without looking at her completely naked body. She then slipped her under the covers and went on her side. She had just finished changing when she heard a small voice.

 

“You’re beautiful. That’s the only thing that’s clear in my mind right now.”

 

Ali turned around and saw hazel eyes almost closed, but still looking at her. She went and sat on the side of Ashlyn’s bed to look at her.

 

“I’m happy we didn’t get that first kiss tonight.” She said in a small voice. She slightly stroked the hair on the side of Ashlyn head when she saw a worried expression in her eyes. “I want both of us to remember what started what we’re about to have.”

 

Ashlyn’s entire face relaxed and a smile appeared on her lips. Ali bent down and kissed her forehead.

 

“Go to sleep. I’ll be there when you wake up.” Ali whispered.

 

And with that, Ashlyn left peacefully for dreamland.


	6. Chapter 6

When she came back from her jog and shower this morning to go down for breakfast, Ali didn’t wake Ashlyn up. She knew the girl needed to recoup physically and emotionally. She went down and sat with HAO and the girls. While Tobin, Pinoe and HAO were engrossed in a conversation about skateboard, Christen turned to Ali.

 

“So how is it going with your roommate?” She smiled.

 

“Not bad actually. Were still getting to know each other and stuff, but she seems nice.” Ali said lowering her eyes.

 

A smirk appeared on Christen’s face when Ali blushed at that simple question.

 

“You should introduce us sometimes! If you think she’s great, I’m sure she is. And don’t listen to HAO about that weird vibe thing. Make up your own mind okay?”

 

Ali nodded, while Christen patted her back. Not that she needed an approval from those girls about Ashlyn, but it felt good to know.

 

“Plus, I think she’s cute.” Christen added, making Ali choke on her eggs. Which got a laugh out of the other brunette. Ali had just took a gulp of water when she saw Abby and Syd coming towards her table.

 

“Mind if we sit with you guys?” Abby said finally landing her eyes on Ali.

 

The whole table stopped talking. Ali didn’t really know what to do. Two groups merging together wasn’t a common thing in here.

 

“Sure, go ahead.” Ali answered awkwardly.

 

They both sat on Ali’s end of the table.

 

“So hum, how’s Ash this morning?” Abby asked.

 

Ali was a bit nervous, not wanting the other girls to catch what had happened and was surprised that they would bring it up, but she still answered.

 

“She was still sleeping when I came down here, so I didn’t wake her.”

 

The two girls in front of her nodded. The conversation at the other end of the table had started back up, but it became quiet here.

 

“Listen Ali, I just wanted to make sure that you didn’t hate us. Me especially.” Sydney said.

 

Ali knew that the other girls were talking, but Christen could very well hear.

 

“Of course I don’t hate you guys.” She said genuinely. “We’ll talk about this later okay?”

 

“Yeah okay.” Sydney said.

 

After a while, the two groups had melted together, the conversation flowing easily. They even decided to go outside to have a football game all together. Ali said she would meet them later and went upstairs.

 

She peeked her head inside her room door and saw Ashlyn sitting on her bed writing in her black notebook. When she heard the door open, Ashlyn raised her head and closed her book before smiling.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hey. Sleep well?” Ali said while approaching the girl’s bed. She sat beside the blonde.

 

“Like a baby. Waking up wasn’t as easy though.” She laughed slightly.

 

“I bet. How’s the head?” She said rubbing Ashlyn’s temple with her thumb.

 

“Not so great.” She smiled sadly, lowering her head.

 

Ali dropped her hand. She wasn’t sure what Ashlyn remembered, but seeing her like this, she figured Ashlyn remembered enough.

 

“Listen, I’m sorry about last night. And don’t be mad at the girls for this, it was all me. I asked Syd for the whiskey, and…” she was interrupted.

 

“Breathe Ash. I’m not mad. I mean I am, but… huh I don’t know what I mean.” She ended in a whisper.

 

“It’s okay. Anybody would’ve been in Jill’s office by now.” She said, scratching the back of her neck. “Thanks for that by the way, but why didn’t you?”

 

“I don’t know. I guess I felt like part of it was my fault because of what happened earlier and I didn’t want you to get in trouble for it.”

 

Ashlyn quickly understood where Ali’s mind was doing and she didn’t like it. She sat closer to the girl.

 

“Hey, listen to me, none of that was your fault Al. I make my own decision and last night was just a really bad one.”

 

Ali nodded, but Ashlyn knew she didn’t believe it.

 

“Come here.” Ashlyn said, wrapping her arms around Ali’s shoulders.

 

“Are we okay now?” Ashlyn asked after a few seconds.

 

Ali slightly smiled and lowered her head.

 

“Before I say yes, there’s something I need you to know. Yesterday, when I told you I would never be with someone like you, I didn’t mean someone that has a problem. Everybody has problems. I meant you as in a girl. I knew that’s not what you understood and should’ve clarified, but I was mad and…”

 

Ashlyn took Ali’s hand and stopped her. She looked her in the eyes.

 

“Ali, when I heard you say that, I felt like crap. I thought you finally got tired of my shit and finally saw… the real me.” Ali was about to speak, but Ashlyn stopped her. “But I was more mad at myself for once again screwing something good in my life. Ali, the only thing I know for sure is that you’re good for me. So whether it’s in a relationship of a friendship, I want you in my life. If what bothers you about me is the fact that I’m a girl, I can live with that.” Ashlyn had a reassuring smile.

 

Ali’s nerves went down. She smiled.

 

“It’s just that I’ve never done that before. Being with a girl, it’s new for me.”

 

“Don’t worry, we’ll go at your paste. We’ll do it your way. Friends or whatever you want this to be, I’m all in. Deal?”

 

“Deal.” Ali answered.

They looked at each other, smiling silently.

 

“Want to see something cool?” Ali asked.

 

Ashlyn nodded and when Ali got up, followed her to the window. Ali looked outside.

 

“What are we looking at?” Ashlyn said.

 

“Look over there.” She said, pointing to Abby and Syd playing football with HAO, Pinoe, Tobin and Christen. They were all laughing to a celebration Pinoe was doing after a touchdown.

 

“That is cool. When did that happened.” Ashlyn said, referring to the two groups getting along.

 

“This morning. Abby and Syd sat with us and by the end of breakfast, they were all laughing together.” Ali looked back outside and smiled.

 

Ashlyn did the same, but turned her gaze to Ali after a minute.

 

“That’s all you, you know? That normally doesn’t happen here. You brought them together.”

 

Ali smiled and looked back at her. She barely looked at Ashlyn lips before connecting them with hers. It took them both by surprise, but they both immediately melted. It was soft, yet so intense. Eyes closed, they could finally see clearly.

 

Ashlyn took Ali’s chin in her hand before pulling back slowly, smiling.

 

“What was that for?”

 

“I figured that if you were able to make me feel that good with your words, a kiss would send me flying.”

 

“And?” Ashlyn asked, looking back down at Ali’s lips.

 

“I’m definitely in heaven.” She said and took Ashlyn’s lips in hers once again, this time confidently.

 

Ali put both hands on each side of Ashlyn’s cheeks, bringing her closer. Ashlyn’s hands landed on Ali’s hips.

 

“Well, for whatever it’s worth, I think I found an angel.” Ashlyn said between kisses.

 

Outside on the field, Christen grabbed the girls and pointed towards the window.

 

“I think our girls are finally talked.”

 

The whole group smiled at the scene before them.

 

“They’re gonna make babies if they keep going at it like that.” Pinoe said, making everybody laugh.

 

They shoved each other and got back to their sunday-funday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you guys want to see happening next!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back! tell me what you think! By the way, it's not only one chapter, so come back for more!


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